pain

E :
when you say i don't understand you, maybe i really don't.
i don't know the real meaning of loneliness.
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121209

when you look at me, i feel pain. when you look at others, i feel pain.
when you smile at me, i feel pain. when you smile at others, i feel pain.
but i'd rather have you around than lose you. at least i feel loved. but what's the use, you're already gone. i can only say now that i hope that you would somehow appear to me again.

gosh i feel so confused now. when i see you i feel happy. i don't care what others say, i just feel happy. so should i choose happy or pain? i would rather happy but pain keeps coming back to me and i really really don't know!!! i envy others who have someone by their side and they're so happy. why was i so stupid back then? if i wasn't so stupid to know that i would lose you, i would have stopped it. but it's all in the past now. stop dwelling in the past.

but i can't help but still love you. the 200th day is coming soon. who knows, maybe, the 1st year will come. i saw you on the 12th and last saw you on the 21st. the numbers are just opposite of each other. is that a coincidence? probably it is.
and this isn't my last post about you like i said in the previous post. i saw you on 121209. 12 of december. 2009. 1212. maybe if i let you go, it won't be so pain. but i can't.
i hope i can find you soon.
God, you told me to forget him and leave everything to you. help me lord.

i'll try to stop dwelling on the past.
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